Choosing to Disturb the Universe brings Peace

In his poem "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock", T.S. Elliot muses aloud:

And indeed there will be a time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"...
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?

Now is my time. There is a time to stand. On the verge of a new semester and a new year; having gone through an extended period of self- reflection and rebirth- now is my time. I've decided there are real times in a person's life when it's perfectly acceptable to disturb the universe and I'm ready. So I'm going to be bold moving into 2017. It's just time. "I can do this hard thing!" (Montessori).

I guess I should slow down a bit and try to explain myself. Perhaps in my story you will find the same kind of courage I have run into as we put 2016 mercifully away. Perhaps you'll find the same peace...

I can say unequivocally that the things that matter most to me are family, friends, my students, and my work- teaching history. (I love books too and writers who challenge me to think and the time I get to spend stringing my own words together in my journal and now in this blog, but they aren't as valued as the others.) 

I am incredibly fortunate to have a beautifully blessed family and great friends and colleagues at school. I am also very grateful for the kids I can count as my students. (Despite what people told me about them, I think they've been wonderful this school year... I truly do) However, 2016 has not always felt kind to me professionally. It's been a year filled with challenge and critique. I clearly was not ready and did not anticipate all that I would be asked to change and do differently without adequate time to think through and respond to as thoughtfully as I am accustomed. 

I'm a deep thinker- and enjoy challenge and change, but I struggle to work on this work when the plane is already in the air. This year I've been told to accept and get used to it. And as much as I've been uncomfortable with it, I feel like I can earnestly say I tried to rebuild several systems simultaneously without too much whining. I'm fortunate to have some good colleagues who let me mope a bit and then help me get up and push through. 

But there is a difference between continuous improvement and constant change. And there comes a time when you have to slow things down a bit for the sake of soul and sanity. It feels impossible to change everything all at once- yet the more I change the more I feel I'm being told has to change and for the first time in over 20 years in education I've been labeled by an evaluation system as less than my heart knows it is. For all the work I've put in it hardly seems right.

I'm a teacher of history in an era where administrators and systems openly tell you they don't care what story you tell as long as the majority of your time is spent teaching kids how to apply transferable skills to standardized tests. For those who make the big bucks data is now king and data that shows growth keeps everybody employed. But at what cost?

At the cost of story and identity? I think not. I cannot seem to reconcile that. I can change alot of how I do things and spend an ever increasing amount of time on skills and assessment- but I will not do so at the risk of my students not understanding who they are and where they come from. Their history matters and I'm not a language arts teacher. So I've decided this is an appropriate place to disturb the universe and buck back. I may have to reconsider how I'm going to tell the story- but I'm going to do it. And I'm going to do it well. My students deserve that.

My teacher soul has to get even more creative to do this according to standards and ever changing expectations that never seem to be completely, clearly spelled out for me- but here I'm determined to lead. Here I stronghold the line on following. I can do all things... right? Of course right. Thus the great disturbance. In not giving up the story I'll blow them away- I'm determined to show the world that one doesn't have to place more emphasis on skills than story to have students comprehend and value learning both. 

I don't expect this work to be easy- truth is I'll probably spend more time than ever working on curriculum and lesson planning, but I'm sure it will be risk rewarded; especially for my students. Moreover, in deciding to disturb the universe, I'm feeling better about finding peace- inner peace. I haven't given up who I am or what I deeply believe in. That's always worth disturbing the universe for- at least I think so... so here we go, on into 2017- more at peace, less personally distraught by challenge and change- ready to lead. Here's hoping you have found peace at the end of the year as well. Dona Nobis Pacem- from the latin, "Grant Us Peace".